Ira's Interdimensional Push On Letting in the Existentialism #3

Is there anybody out there? Anybody at all?? It’s been six weeks, three days, and 17 hours since I left my “shitty job”, as the chiropractor so eloquently referred to it. It feels like the weight of all the dog shit on Earth has been lifted off my shoulders which has made room for plenty - adventures, new people, old people, new work, the list goes on… Among the plenty though, as per always, includes room for more dog shit - existential angst to be specific. It’s easy for me to leave those thoughts on the sidelines when I’m busy, but the second I get a month or two free and there’s enough time to actually check some things off the list I start to dance with the larger idea of meaning, purpose, motivation, and the big ass big picture. These last two weeks have been the deepest that I’ve gone with these tussles since the Intercontinental and I’m proud to report the following top three findings: <ol> <li>Embracing the pregnancy hormones: On Friday August 1st I flew back to the US to close out my affairs here - finding someone to take over my lease in Brooklyn (does anyone know anyone??? Anyone at all???????), putting all my materialism in the duffle bag, my old closest, or some loved one’s hands, and of course prepping my barn-burning speech for Lionel’s wedding. It’s all something of a reprieve from the heaviness that Talja and I said goodbye on - lots of unresolvedness about how we want to raise the baby, disconnection over a weak feeling of partnership at the moment, and tears from the in-actionability of some much of it. These feelings are all the more painful next to the high highs of having a baby with the person I love, the boundlessness of moving to a new country, and the love and welcoming I feel from all the neighbors, friends, friends of friends, and beyond who I’ve met since I first came back to the Netherlands in December. The big swings of pregnancy hormones and being around them reminds me of how unstable this whole existence can be if we let it take us and makes we wonder about why anything matters at all if it will change anyway by this time tomorrow, next week, next month, etc…</li> <li>Shul-shopping in the low lands and the back home: Finding a spiritual home is a pain in the ass. So big a pain in the ass that so many people I know don’t even bother to look but on the whole I find it’s not much different than finding a house, a community, an intellectual home of like-minded people, and beyond for the people who look. For me it’s pertinent at the moment because I’m looking for a synagogue in the Netherlands right now, and if the first two I went to are any indication, it’s going to be brutal. I did my last bit of NYC shopping too when I landed last Friday and that was another tough ride as far as the tradition is concerned (but I will say the Temple Emanu-El kiddish was more than respectable). The uninspiring homes I’ve walked through these last couple-two weeks and months have been dog, and even more confusing next to what I know can be possible from my time at Romemu. The way an environment can change the way we experience life is sooo incredibly powerful that it makes me wonder, what is the life itself if it’s so probabilistically dependent on where and when and who and how?</li> <li>Dr. ZPC comes to town: It was fine to welcome the one and only Zach Paul Cohen to the boroughs again, who proved himself valiantly on and off the pickleball courts. There was ping pong, and Reubens, big time big timing at the Rom-Tom night, and more, to say nothing of the roach at the food court. There was bickering which was probably harsher on my dainty ears than his and some shvitzing on the way to shul which was probably shingier on his threads than mine. We could have spent a couple-two hours debriefing and re-briefing these shingles or perhaps it’s better to just starve the oxygen and move forward into the shared vision. To me, an over-examination of these things is tantamount to existential wandering - we don’t know where we’re going so we just complain about where we are.</li> </ol> I can’t point to where I’m going on the map (although I suppose I could) but I know it’s away from fear, disconnection, moral superiority, and greed and towards love, togetherness, acceptance, and peace. If there’s meaning in life it has to include all of this good and if there is no meaning then we are free to chose all these good things anyway. I use the word good against my 11th grade English teacher’s inclinations because the value and benefits of all these “good” things are so self-evident and don’t require any overthinking; but for the over-thinkers I’ll apologize with this - I’m grateful to have a friend like Zach who came from far to see me off and let good times beget more good times that we’re all richer for. <a href = "https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1ySkZsgPCrK2Cgn1QBGcZ7ffHnEdhlfTl?usp=drive_link" target = "_blank" rel = "noopener">Pics</a> with the guy can be found here, the choice to exist versus getting consumed by everything else is yours. From down by the Riverside, Ira